| I often get emails from concerned wives who tell | | | | marriage. It's clear then that we need to change |
| me that they are at their wit's end because their | | | | up the semantics of this message. |
| husband has informed them that he doesn't want | | | | Moving Away From The Work Talk Toward |
| to work on their marriage. The wives are typically | | | | Something That Appeals To You Both: Right now, |
| willing to do anything to save the marriage and | | | | what your husband likely wants is for you to let |
| prevent a divorce - from counseling to vacations | | | | up with the pressure. You're going to get a much |
| to talking things through to giving their husbands | | | | better response from him if you are able to do |
| their undivided attention. However, it often seems | | | | this. So, as soon as possible, when you're calm |
| that it doesn't really matter all that much what | | | | enough to pull it off, you're going to need to sit |
| the wife is offering up. Often, these husbands | | | | him down and explain that you are also tired of |
| have made up their minds and are simply done | | | | the same old thing. Tell him that you truly don't |
| with working on it, trying what they think isn't | | | | know where this is all going, but you're very tired |
| going to work, and attempting to rescue what to | | | | of fighting him and of swimming against the tide. |
| them is essentially dead. In short, these guys | | | | It's not good for either of you and you aren't |
| want out and aren't that likely to listen to what | | | | going to participate in this negativity anymore. |
| you say if it's meant to convince them to stay. | | | | He won't believe you at first, maybe. And, you |
| But, I maintain that there are things you can do | | | | may well be tempted to resort to old behaviors, |
| to save the marriage on your own until you can | | | | but stop yourself. It's important that you hang |
| begin to whittle away at his resistance. Often, this | | | | back and show him that you're serious. You want |
| means working behind the scenes and in secret, | | | | to make it very clear that no matter what |
| but this method can be very effective and not | | | | happens, your only goal right now is to improve |
| quite as painful. I'll discuss this more in the | | | | the tension between you. If this relationship ends, |
| following article. | | | | you'd like to be proud of how you handled it and |
| When Your Husband Hears You Say That You | | | | you'd like to be able to know that you did |
| Want Him To "Work On The Marriage," He Only | | | | everything you could so that you can hold your |
| Hears The Word "Work": Let's face it. Often | | | | head high. |
| asking a guy to talk about his deep feelings or | | | | Now, you and I both know that you have an |
| doubts is pretty similar to ask him to go through | | | | agenda. All of this taking the high road business is |
| a root canal without a pain killer. Ask a man to | | | | admirable, but it's also meant to disarm your |
| "work" on the relationship and he's likely to wince | | | | husband a bit and paint you in a positive light. It's |
| and curl his toes in unison. This is just not | | | | meant to change up the negative dynamic that's |
| something that most men are going to be excited | | | | happening right now to give you the "in" that you |
| to do. | | | | so desperately need. |
| And, combine that with the fact that often times, | | | | However, continue to play it cool and continue to |
| your husband knows full well that you've both | | | | be as lighthearted and as agreeable as you can. |
| tried many things to right this thing. You've talked | | | | By saying this, I don't mean for you not to voice |
| until your blue in the face. You've both made | | | | any real and pressing concerns, but I also mean |
| promises or vows that haven't panned out. | | | | to keep things light. Your real goal right now is for |
| You've both vowed that things will be different or | | | | you and your husband to begin to experience |
| better "this time," and yet here you are again. | | | | positive rather than negative emotions when |
| So, your husband is tired of hearing all of this all | | | | together. This often means hanging back and |
| of the time. In short, he just doesn't buy into it | | | | loosening your grip a little bit. Someone who's not |
| anymore. Worse, you're asking him to not only | | | | arguing and not clinging so tightly in attempt to |
| buy into something that he doesn't really believe, | | | | change his mind is going to be so much less |
| you're also on top of this asking him to do painful | | | | threatening and so much more attractive. Your |
| emotional work that just isn't alluring to a guy. So, | | | | husband can not see you in a more positive light |
| there are several things that you have working | | | | until his perception of you begins to change. That |
| against you when you propose "working" on the | | | | can't happen until you change your behavior. |