| If you've married a man who has an ex-wife and | | | | for (since we were children, basically). The |
| children, doubtless you've had times when feelings | | | | purpose of this is to have our mate make up for |
| of jealousy, anger and possessiveness rear their | | | | where our parents failed us/let us down, so we |
| ugly heads, especially if you don't have children | | | | can finally feel loved, worthy and whole. |
| with your husband. | | | | The reason I bring this up is because that was |
| This is a subject that is near and dear to my | | | | my learning/healing in the early stages of my |
| heart - my husband's children were quite young | | | | relationship with my husband. I felt feelings of |
| when he and I started dating in 1992 (the kids | | | | jealousy, possessiveness and anger. |
| ranged in age from 5 to 9). I learned quite a bit | | | | My discomfort was rooted in my feeling that his |
| about myself, and got to heal in places I didn't | | | | kids were getting in the way of my getting that |
| know I was wounded. | | | | love and attention. When I looked more deeply |
| Let's start with some basics and then move on | | | | into what was going on for me (with the help of |
| to the unexpected gifts this can offer to you and | | | | the therapist I was seeing at the time), I could |
| your relationship. | | | | see that I felt very young and helpless when I |
| His Lovable Qualities | | | | was reacting to his kids' need for his time/love |
| It is likely that some of the key reasons you love | | | | attention. |
| your husband are also the traits which make him | | | | Once I saw that, I was able to at least ACT like |
| a great father. Ironically, the qualities you saw in | | | | an adult - and do a better job of managing my |
| him, and caused you to be attracted to - and | | | | emotions - until I could integrate what I was |
| ultimately marry - him are part of why you're | | | | learning, and was able to look for the love and |
| having a challenge right now. | | | | attention I needed in a way that was more |
| His loyalty, dedication and devotion, his generosity, | | | | honest, more appropriate, and ultimately more |
| his sense of responsibility (probably even guilt), his | | | | effective. |
| willingness to sacrifice for the children, his | | | | You Are a Role Model |
| seemingly endless patience for the demands of | | | | You have an opportunity to help his children learn |
| the ex- and the kids... | | | | something I doubt they learned with their parents: |
| If those qualities were focused on you, you'd be | | | | what a successful, loving, supportive, |
| in heaven. But...they're not. | | | | compassionate relationship between a man and |
| He is With You, Not With Her | | | | woman is like. |
| There are a few important things for you to | | | | You're always teaching by the way you live your |
| keep in mind through this time: | | | | life; your actions are more powerful than your |
| 1) one of your most important jobs as your | | | | words. Maybe, the next time you're "seeing |
| husband's life partner/woman is to support him to | | | | green" because you're feeling jealous, you can |
| be the father he really wants to be to his children; | | | | remember that you have the best part of the |
| 2) keep in mind that he's married to YOU, and did | | | | deal: you are married to and will spend the rest of |
| divorce the mother of his children - remind | | | | your life with a man you love, and you have the |
| yourself that he feels lucky to be able to come | | | | ability to impact his children in a very positive way. |
| home to you after a hard day of interacting with | | | | Keep in mind that everyone else in this situation is |
| her and having to "keep his game face on"; | | | | dealing with quite a bit of emotional baggage (your |
| 3) the more your husband trusts you in your | | | | hubby, the ex, and their kids). It may be hard to |
| partnership (and the motives behind your input), | | | | remember that when you're in the middle of one |
| the more likely he will be to let you in and take | | | | of those family events, but try to get to that |
| support or guidance from you; | | | | place of appreciation as soon as you can. You will |
| 4) since we always marry our perfect teachers, | | | | feel better, your husband will be thankful, and you |
| keep looking for ways you are being called to be | | | | will continue to be a powerful influence on this |
| your highest and best self through all of this; | | | | journey everyone is on, as they heal from |
| 5) this will all be over some day, once the kids | | | | divorce. |
| grow up - make sure you have no regrets about | | | | In Conclusion |
| how you were, once you get to that point. | | | | In your deep wisdom, you have married a man |
| The Healing Potential | | | | that will help you heal where you are wounded, |
| According to Harville Hendrix, author of "Getting | | | | and give you the opportunity to give the |
| the Love You Want", we choose partners | | | | profound gifts you have to give...to him, to his |
| because, subconsciously, we believe they will be | | | | children, and to your community. It doesn't get |
| able to parent us the way we have been longing | | | | much better than that! |